Bear on a Bridge

Bear on a Bridge

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be the boss.

The brain said, "since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be the boss."

The feet said, "since I carry man where he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, then I should be the boss."

The hands said, "since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be the boss."
And so it went with the eyes, the heart, the lungs, and all the other parts of the body, each giving the reason why they should be the boss.

Finally, the asshole spoke up and said it was going to be the boss.

All the other parts laughed and laughed at the idea of the asshole being the boss, which upset the asshole so much he got angry, blocked himself off and refused to function.

oon the brain was feverish and could barely think, the feet felt like lead weights and was almost too weak to drag the body anywhere, the eyes grew bleary, and the hands hung useless at the sides.

All pleaded with the brain to let the asshole be declared the boss.

And so it happened; all the other parts did all the work and the asshole just bossed and passed out a lot of crap.

THE MORAL: You don't have to be a brain to be a boss, just an old asshole.

ALTERNATE MORAL: No matter how well things are going, it can all be shut down by a single asshole.

Danny Kaye Quotes

A jester unemployed is nobody's fool! ~ The Court Jester

I was playing part of stable boy. It was in great Chekov tragedy. It was beautiful. Everybody died. I also played part in great Chekov comedy. Everybody died. But they died happy.

I wasn't born a fool. It took work to get this way.

If you're not cooking with joy, happiness and love, you're not cooking well.

I'm proud to recall that at no time at all and with no other recourses but my own resources, with firm application and determination... I made a fool of myself!

Let me remind you that all's well that ends ... (pause)... Well?

Life is a great big canvas; throw all the paint on it you can.

My father always had a fear of high altitudes. He'd get a nose bleed every time he stood on a thick carpet . ~ The Danny Kaye Show

Bing Crosby : When are you going to learn that girls like that are a dime a dozen? Danny Kaye: Please, don't quote me the price when I haven't got the time. ~ White Christmas

You bet I arrived overnight. Over a few hundred nights in the Catskills, in vaudeville, in clubs and on Broadway.

You'd be surprised how many kings are only a queen with a mustache. ~ Hans Christian Andersen

Your small minds are musclebound with suspicion. That's because the only exercise you ever get is jumping to conclusions. ~ The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

You've got to accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, latch on to the affirmative, don't mess with Mr. In-Between. ~ The Danny Kaye Show

three kinds of pun

There are three kinds of people. Those that can count and those that can't.
And there are three kinds of pun.
...
Homographic (antanaclasis): The use of multiple meanings from a single spelling. For example, 'pickle' could be something you eat, or a nasty situation.

Homophonic (polyptoton): The use of similar sounds with different spellings. For example, 'idle' and 'idol'

Double-sound: As used in the typical "knock-knock" joke, when you substitute one sound for another. Knock knock.
"Who's there?"
"Orange."
"Orange who?"
"Orange you going to open the door?"

I used to be...

I used to be a ballet dancer, but found it too-too difficult.
I used to be a butler, but found the work wasn't my cup of tea.
I used to be a carpenter, but then I got screwed.
I used to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing.
I used to be a part-time hairdresser, but I wanted something more permanent.
I used to be a lumberjack, but then I got the axe.
I used to be a tennis instructor, but it just wasn't my racket.
I used to be a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn't in it.
I used to work for Victoria's Secret, but then I got a pink slip.

punster 1

• Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.
• Diplomat: One who is disarming, even if his country isn't.
• Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation.
• Hangover: The wrath of grapes.
• Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.
• Psychologist: A person that pulls habits out of rats.

In a butcher shop window: "Never a bum steer."
On a diaper service truck: "Rock a dry baby."
On a divorce lawyer's wall: "Satisfaction guaranteed or your honey back."
At a lumberyard: "Come see, come saw."
On a plumber's truck: "A flush beats a full house."
At the tire store: "We skid you not!"